London I (a compilation of thoughts thought between January 7 - 13, 2018)

Not to be a downer, but I’ve recently felt rather caught up in the notion of missed opportunities and the bittersweetness of the temporary.  I’m not sure if it’s that my hormones are running a little wild, or if it’s some strange, new, fresh-on-the-market brand of homesickness, but whatever it is, I really feel the need to take time away from my essay on irony in Oedipus the King to write about it for a little.  Buckle in for some ~~wild~~ reflection folks!!

The first show that we saw in London was Kinky Boots.  And throughout the course of Kinky Boots, I found myself in tears on three separate occasions.   It wasn’t a sad production (it was hilarious), and I wasn’t feeling particularly unhappy (I’m in London, for Christ’s sake), but the story made me think more than I have in a while about what my life looks like.  And please don’t get me wrong, I love that image.  My heart swells - almost painfully  - when I think of all of the people I have and the love that I feel and the experiences I’ve been blessed enough to go through.  But I think, as humans, it’s natural to question our purpose, to wonder about where we would have been if we had chosen different paths.  Are we really using our God-given agency and free will when we look at the roads laid out ahead of us, choosing the best route to take?  Or have we listened with too careful an ear to the opinions of others as to where we would excel, which people are the “right kind” to befriend, to fall in love with?  

It’s hard to maintain certainty that the decisions you’re making are the right ones. I would argue that it’s impossible to do so all of the time.  And questioning oneself is a good thing. Wondering about who you are and who you ought to be and which is more important is vital to finding what makes you happiest (and pursuing it, pursuing it is kind of key). 

And so I’ve recently been questioning where I am, what I’m doing, the goals I hold tightly in these hands of mine. I’ve been abroad before, and I’ve spent plenty of time away from home, but this time feels different. This trip is making me realize how vast this world is and how many opportunities simply exist which will never present themselves to me, due only to distance or timing. 

This month I’m coming across people and places that I may never again, people I feel such kinship with, places in which I feel so welcomed and excited to be.  

The understanding of the limitations of this life, this experience, and knowing that the short hours in which I meet new people may very well be the only time I’ll ever know them is painful in a way that feels new.  The pain feels rawer for the inexperience that I have with it.

And, aptly enough, this evening, as I listen to the original Broadway cast recording of Kinky Boots, it makes me ache with the knowledge of the one-timeness that was the experience. I can see the musical again, in any city of my choosing, but the cast will be different, the music will sound different — new voices playing for the same, old ears. 

So it goes. Life is comprised only one-time experiences.  And as difficult as it may be to be faced with the inhibitions that exist in this world, it makes me feel so, very grateful.  How magical that I have met those I love the most.  How fortunate that I’ve been born to a mother who loves me more than anything, to have made friends who understand me without my even needing to speak.  What a blessing it is to live inside a life in which I get to decide on my own one-time-experiences, to get the chance to evolve and grow.  

Happy birthday to me, and thank you to everyone who has made these last 20 years so meaningful.  Here’s to many, many more one-times!  Peace, friends.